my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
