I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
