Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
