I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
