Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
