Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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