I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
