i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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