I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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