Apparently you make a good broom.
do herpes really smell.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
