omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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