my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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