I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
