and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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