Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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