And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
