Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
