Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He did a backflip because drugs
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