you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize