So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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