I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
