Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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