so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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