Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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