im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize