I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
