oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize