two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
