How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
