I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You're like the curious george of whores
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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