God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
