Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
