Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
