We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
