I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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