I think I won the penis lottery.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
