Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
