Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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