walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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