I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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