gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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