Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We're using joints as your birthday candles
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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