Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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