It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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