i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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