if you like me you must not know who I am
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
