Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
