You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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