my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
