I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
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