I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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