a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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