News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
