I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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