i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
