So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize