you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
