pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
