dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My ATM looks so different sober.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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