Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
