I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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