I cockslap morals
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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