So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
